A relationship is very much like a dance. Each partner moves through time and space in response to both their own internal forces and to each other. Sometimes we move with intention toward a goal or for a purpose. And sometimes we dance simply to release pent-up energy or for the joy of movement itself. The steps we take to express ideas or emotions, to influence our partners or to release tension may appear to be completely random, but they are more likely to follow a complex choreography. This article describes 12 Relationship Dances and offers a few suggestions to change the nine unhealthy dances into some version of the three happier ones. 

In the beginning of a relationship, when each partner is still learning about the other, the steps are new and fresh. They may be tentative or confident, bold or reticent, advancing or retreating, stimulating or dull. Through the years, as the partners become more familiar with each other, their dances develop a certain rhythm. Patterns emerge, eventually becoming like well-worn paths to the same place. There are benefits to familiar dance steps. They allow the couple to conserve energy and provide a certain degree of predictability.

Over time, familiar, predictable steps become comfortable, however ineffective or unhealthy those relationship dances might be. In a healthy relationship, each partners accepts and learns to live with the other’s idiosyncrasies. On the other hand, in unhealthy relationships, patterns that are too rigid or unbending can leave one or both partners feeling trapped and hopeless. These unhealthy relationship dances can lead to dissatisfaction, affairs and even divorce.

Unhealthy Relationship Dances Increase Vulnerability to Infidelity

In unhappy relationships, one or both partners may feel what psychologist John Gottman calls ‘negative sentiment override’. These couples focus on their differences, keep score about real or imagined slights, and find little reward in the relationship.

As negativity increases, one or both might start looking for comfort elsewhere. The crisis of an affair can be the death knell of the marriage, or an opportunity for personal and relationship growth that their old, familiar relationship dances don’t provide.

“Couples either handle the aftermath of an affair by replicating patterns that formed vulnerabilities in the first place, or they use the crisis to develop new patterns that are more rewarding.”

~ Dr. Shirley P. Glass

The dominant partner takes charge of plans and decisions, gives directions, and is often critical or judgmental. As the ‘take charge’ partner becomes more controlling over time, the other partner seemingly becomes more incompetent, irresponsible or immature. Eventually, the one down partner may escalate into overt acting out, including having an affair.

1. Parent and Child

Some partners settle into a ‘parent-child’ dance. Partners who take on the parent role often have very responsible careers, and are held in high esteem by work colleagues and friends alike. They often take responsibility for decisions and managing the house and family, and may see their spouses as ‘irresponsible children’. They may envy their partner’s sense of freedom but also resent their lack of responsibility. The partner who falls into  the ‘child’ role may see him/herself as ‘a free spirit’ and their partner as not much fun. They may be both attracted to and resentful of their spouse’s high esteem and authority. On the one hand, their partner will make sure the bills are paid and the chores get done. On the other hand, the child-partner may feel powerless in the relationship. Over time, the couple’s sex life may suffer if the relationship seems too incestuous to either partner. 

2. Saint and Sinner

The saint-sinner dance is another variation of the parent-child theme, but with an adolescent child. In this dance, a ‘goody-two-shoes’ partner (the ‘saint’) takes on the responsibility of ‘saving’ or reforming the ‘sinner.’ Both saints and sinners often come from families with parents who are at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum – either too strict or too lenient. While sinners eventually rebel from their ‘drill sergeant’ parents, saints continue to follow the rules to the letter. When parents enforce no limits, sinners push into territory where saints fear to tread.

Saints may be simultaneously excited and frightened by the sinner’s “devil-may-care’ approach to life. On the other hand, sinners both crave and reject the structure and limits of the saints rules-based approach. Saints who go along for the ride while they are dating tend to put the brakes on after the honeymoon or when the first child is born. (I’ve heard more than one saint say, “It was time to grow up.”) The more the saint tries to rein her/his partner in with stern, disapproving lectures, the more likely the sinner will be to act out like a rebellious teenager – unless one or the other takes a different approach.  Of course, this can backfire. One saintly wife I worked with briefly considered using heroin like her sinner husband to be closer to him. (Fortunately, she rejected the idea.)

3. Bully and Sneak

The bully-sneak dance is another childhood pattern that gets replicated in the marriage. In this dance, one partner (the “sneak”) feels inferior to or is intimidated by the other (the “bully”). Bullies try to control others due to fear of rejection and feelings of insecurity. Sneaks keep secrets because they have learned that telling the truth only makes things worse. Bully’s in relationships tend to be judgmental and controlling, and may become aggressive or contemptuous. Sneaks respond by keeping secrets and shutting down. They hide their thoughts, feelings and behaviors instead of asserting themselves. 

Demand-Withdrawal Patterns

Demand-withdrawal patterns are among the most destructive relationship dances. One partner makes a simple but reasonable request, the other fails to fulfill it one of several ways. The more he/she forgets, delays, avoids carrying out, or ignores the request, the more likely the requestor will be to escalate. Demands become ‘or else’ coercion and simple failure to follow through becomes overt resistance. 

1. Pursuer and Distancer

A common unhealthy dance is the pursuer-distancer dance. This unhealthy pattern typically plays out when wives attempt deeper emotional connections with their husbands by discussing relationship problems. Talking about relationship is often last on the list of things these husbands want to do. They withdraw emotionally and/or physically to avoid conflict. The wife perceives the husband’s withdrawal as abandonment, which triggers fear in her amygdala and leads to even more intense pursuit. If the husband continues to withdraw, the wife may escalate to criticism, which leads to even more withdrawal by the husband. If the cycle continues until the wife escalates to contempt, it spells real trouble for the marriage. 

Wives who are complaining about their relationship problems are at least committed to their marriage. But when wives lose hope of ever satisfying their need for marital emotional and physical intimacy, watch out! A wife’s withdrawal after years of pursuit is a sure sign of a relationship on the rocks. Husbands who are initially relieved when their wives stop wanting to talk about the relationship, later become alarmed when their wives detach physically (and sexually).  They often realize the depth of the problem only when it is too late to save the marriage. 

2. Clam and Stingray

The clam-stingray dance features a stinging verbal assault by one partner while the other pulls back into a protective shell. Essentially, this dance is a mismatch between partners around the issue of conflict. While some people agree with Eldridge Cleaver that ‘too much agreement kills a chat’, other people suppress any direct expression of negative emotions toward others. Simply, stingrays relish a good fight; clams are conflict-avoidant. 

3. Reminder and Procrastinator

The reminder-procrastinator dance is reminiscent of the parent-child dance around the issue of responsibility. One partner is overly responsible, while the other appears to be irresponsible. The reminder continually nags  the procrastinator to do more (‘Did you pay the credit card bill?” ‘When are you going to mow the lawn?) while the procrastinator sees every task as something to be put off til later in the hopes that it won’t have to be done. Other mental health issues may contribute to this dance. A reminders’ impatience may come from compulsiveness, while procrastinator may suffer from attention and organizational deficits. This dance rarely happens In the beginning of a new relationship, however. Responsibilities are shared more equally and voluntarily then, and reminders are more willing to overlook their partner’s procrastination.

The following scene from the 2006 movie, The Break Up, illustrates how this unhealthy relationship dance goes:

Other Negative Patterns

Gottman’s more than four decades of research in the ‘Love Lab’ has revealed five distinct types of couples relationships. In these relationships, partners are classified as “validators”, “avoiders” or “volatiles”. How the three types of partners interact with the others determines the quality of the couple’s relationship. Lets consider couples in the two unhappy categories: Hostile, and Hostile-Detached. 

1. Hostile Couples

According to the Gottman Institute, hostile couples had some of the elements of the happier couples. However, unlike validating couples, all ‘Four Horsemen’ (criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt) were frequently present.

Complaints commonly took the form of criticism (statements using absolutes like “you always” and “you never”). Both partners responded with high levels of defensiveness and whining. During conflict, neither partner provided support or understanding for the other person’s point of view.  Both reiterated their own perspective, and each expressed contempt for the other.  

Data from the Love Lab on heterosexual couples shows wives to be ‘conflict avoiders’ while husbands were more likely to be ‘validators.’  Hostile couples stayed married, but not happily.

2. Hostile-Detached Couples

Hostile-Detached Couples combine a validator with a volatile partner. In other types of couples, one partner may eventually withdraw (albeit unhealthily so), but that is not the case in Hostile-Detached Couples.

“These couples are like two armies engaged in a mutually frustrating and lonely standoff with no clear victor, only a stalemate. They snipe at one another during conflict, although the air is full of emotional detachment and resignation, like gun smoke.”

~ Dr. John Gottman

Hostile couples, validating couples and volatile couples all have escalating conflict, too, but one of the partners will eventually back down. But not so in hostile-detached couples: the volatile won’t let the validator retreat. Gottman’s research suggests that hostile-detached couples are unable to regulate their negativity.

3. Addict-Enabler

The Addict-Enabler dance features elements of both power imbalances and pursuit-withdrawal. Couples may be hostile or hostile-detached. And like other unhealthy relationship dances, this pattern is driven by fear.

The addict partner craves addictive substances due to complex biological and psycho-social forces. They fear the pain of withdrawal and their psychological pain even more than the pain of disconnection that addiction drives. And the deeper their addiction becomes, the more they suffer.

But while enablers might scold like the parent, preach like the saint, and nag or bully in an effort to exert some control, they ultimately give up and bail the addict out. Enablers justify their behavior as helpful or protective, or to simply keep the peace. But the more enablers shield addicts from the consequences of their addiction, the longer they stay locked in this sometimes deadly dance.

How to Change an Unhealthy Relationship Dance

Generally, these unhealthy dances feature partners who are at the opposite extremes from each other. One pursues, the other withdraws. One is hyper-responsible, the other is completely irresponsible.

Remember Brooke and Gary? If either had better relationship skills, the scene would have played out differently. (Of course, that would have been a different movie!) Here are a few different possibilities:

Option 1: Gary could have responded by turning towards Brooke and accepting her influence. He could have agreed to help with the dishes without complaint.

Option 2: Brooke could have softened her start up instead of attacking. She could have accepted Gary’s offer of doing them in the morning.

Option 3: They could have talked it through and reached a compromise. Brooke starts and leaves half for Gary to finish later. Or they agree to do them together in, say, 30 minutes.

As the saying goes, ‘it takes two to tango’. Whenever you recognize that you’re doing the same old dance routine, you can always do something different. Whatever your typical position in the pattern is, it will help if you simply move in the direction of your partner. Let’s explore three healthier relationship dances.

3 Healthier Relationship Dances

1. Conflict Avoiders

Conflict Avoiding couples focus on the things they agree on. They avoid expressing their needs instead of trying to persuade their partner and are generally satisified with their relationship. It’s ‘good enough’ for them.

Conflict avoiding couples achieve a balance of interdependence and independence. As separate individuals with their own interests, they both tolerate and accept each other’s idiosyncrasies and foibles. At the same time, they maintain both meaningful connections and clear boundaries. They care for and depend on one another. While they may not be overly emotionally expressive, their positive to negative affect ratio is approximately five to one. 

2. Volatile Couples

In contrast to Conflict-Avoiders, Volatile Couples are at the opposite end of the spectrum. In Gottman’s Love Lab, each partner tries to persuade the other from beginning to end of a conflict discussion.  They seem to agree with Eldridge Cleaver that ‘too much agreement kills a chat’. Laughter, humor, and shared amusement mark their arguments. Boundaries are diffuse, and their individual worlds overlap greatly.

Perhaps more important, although they may express anger, insecurity or other negative affect, they are never disrespectful or insulting and contempt is rarely (if ever) seen. Volatile couples also have a five to one positive to negative affect ratio.

3. Validating Couples

Validating Couples fall somewhere between Conflict-Avoiding and Volatile Couples. They focus on empathizing with their partner’s feelings and strive to support and understand their partner’s point of view.  Interactions between the partners are easy and calm. 

While they can become emotionally expressive, they are only mildly so during conflict discussions. Otherwise Validating Couples are typically neutral in affect. They may confront some differences, but not on all subjects. When they get into power struggles, it is usually when they get highly competitive over specific issues. Yet they are usually able to compromise after they calm down. Their positive to negative affect ratio is also about five to one.

In conclusion…

Even though the three healthier couples are very different, they share one critical thing in common: a positive to negative affect ratio of approximately five to one even when they’re in conflict. According to Gottman’s research, that is just one of the key things that the masters of relationship do. If you see you and your partner doing one of the nine unhealthy relationship dances, it might be time to get some help.

Of course, if you can turn things around on your own, you might not need our help. But if you’ve tried everything, and you’re still stuck in one of these unhealthy relationship dances, contact us here.

If you recognize your relationship in one of these unhealthy dances, there is hope. These dysfunctional patterns can be changed – and you might not need couples therapy to do it. (For more information about one program that can help, click here.)