You’re single, attractive, and have a career that’s going somewhere. You’re in your prime and you’ve been seeing (or just met) a really great guy. You believe that he loves you and wants to be together as much as you do. It’s as if you’ve finally found your soulmate. There’s just one problem: his shrew of a wife. How could something that feels so right be wrong? If you’re wondering how you got here, take the Single Woman’s Vulnerability Quiz below to see if you’re on the road to becoming ‘the other woman’!
According to the Institute for Family Studies, married men (20%) cheat more than married women (13%). Data over time suggests that this has always been the case. Although that gap has been closing, as the number of women who cheat has risen by about 40% over the last 20 years, single women are and have been the most likely affair partners.
Men and women demonstrate significant differences in their reasons for getting involved with a married lover. In her groundbreaking book, “Not Just Friends“, the late marriage and family therapist Dr. Shirley P. Glass explains:
“The majority of single women hope and believe that their married lovers will leave their wives. In contrast, the majority of single men involved with other men’s wives tend to be commitment-phobic; they may be especially attracted to married women who have no intention of leaving their husbands. Single men having affairs with married women have a perspective similar to that of unfaithful husbands and wives for whom the affair is a sideshow, whereas for single women it is often the main event. The married affair partner is best understood in the role of the unfaithful spouse.”
Why being ‘The Other Woman’ matters
According to a study by Dalma Heyn, unfaithful married women look for different traits in their lovers than in their husbands. They often choose younger men for their appealing personal traits without regard to any financial, social, or professional inadequacies. This is similar to married men who cheat with women they don’t see as “wife material.” Consequently, although there may be some single male affair partners who may find this quiz to be relevant and enlightening, Glass developed it with single women in mind.
It should be noted that most often, it is the other woman who winds up with the short end of the stick. According to a survey of 4,100 prominent men, 82% were unfaithful at least once. Most of those who cheated on their wives stayed in their marriages (85 percent). Of the 15% who got divorced due to the affair, a mere 3% married their illicit lovers (Halper, 1988). That means that less than half of one percent (.0045%) of ‘the other women’ got the man! And even when they did, the chances that they stayed together are even worse. According to psychologist Alec Wilson, only 3% to 7% of relationships survive between affair partners and the unfaithful spouses who leave their marriages for them.
No simple test can predict with any certainty whether any specific unmarried woman is going to get involved with a man who is already married or in a committed relationship. This quiz (adapted from Glass’ Single Woman’s Vulnerability Map) can help estimate your risk of getting into such a triangle. Your answers will identify which characteristics and attitudes increase your vulnerability to becoming ‘the other woman’.