We are all conditioned by our society, our culture, our family and our peers. Consequently, we adopt their beliefs, attitudes and values about fidelity in marriage. That can help us stay faithful or increase our social vulnerability to infidelity.
How did we get here? The sexual and civil rights revolutions of the 60’s and other changes in society have resulted in:
- Widespread availability of safe and reliable birth control.
- More permissive attitudes toward sex.
- Conflicting attitudes and values regarding honesty, loyalty, monogamy and commitment.
- Disenchantment with the institution of marriage.
- Greater opportunities for infidelity.
You’ve probably heard the quote, attributed to motivational speaker Jim Rohm, that “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” According to David Burkus, it’s only partly true. Citing research using data on smoking, obesity and happiness borrowed from the very large and well-respected Framingham heart study, Burkus says “It’s way bigger than that. You’re the average of all the people who surround you. So take a look around and make sure you’re in the right surroundings.”
Therefore, it’s not just your friends who influence you. It’s their friends, and even your friend’s friend’s friends, too. There are good reasons for this. People have evolved as social beings for survival. We are all programmed to try to understand and respond to the thoughts and feelings of those closest to us. The more we are ‘in tune’ with our peers, the more likely we are to be accepted by them. When it meant certain death to be excluded, such acceptance was critical. Even now, their beliefs, attitudes and behaviors affect both how you live your life and also your very health.
Survey says…
And it’s equally true with regard to marital infidelity. According to research by the late Dr. Shirley P. Glass, if you work and socialize with people who see nothing wrong with cheating on their spouses, there’s a good chance that you will see nothing wrong with cheating either. Although the significance of socio-cultural influences may well be overlooked, when combined with individual and relationship vulnerabilities, such social vulnerability can be a deciding factor that leads to or deters someone from crossing the line into infidelity.
While no simple test can predict with any certainty whether any one person will be unfaithful, Glass’ Social Vulnerability (below), Individual Vulnerability, and Relationship Vulnerability quizzes can (especially when taken together) provide a useful map of your risk of betraying your partner. Your responses to these statements will help identify your environmental social-cultural influences that increase your extramarital involvement risk.